Q+A
Q:
What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A:
I cry when I cut up onions...
Magic
Beer
A
lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting
at the counter.
She
goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic
Beer", he says.
She
thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the
bar, but after seeing that there is no one else worth
talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and
says,
"That
isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes,
I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps
out the window,
flies
arounther drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies
around the
building
three times, and comes back in the window.
She
is so amd the building 3 times and comes back in the
window.
The
lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He
takes anoazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer,
so the guy says to
the
bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She
gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out
the window,
plummets
30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The
bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You
know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"
Pop
By My House
Knowing
that he’ll be back late from work, Joe asks his workmate
Barry to pop by his house to let his wife know what
time he’ll be home. Barry agrees and sets off. Joe’s
wife opens the door and invites Barry in, as she’s just
finishing her ironing. Barry passes on his news and
notices that Joe’s wife is ironing her underwear. ‘I
tell you what,’ says Barry. ‘I know you’re a bit hard
up at the moment, so if you dance around for me in that
underwear, I’ll give you £40.’ Needing the money, she
reluctantly agrees. After the dance, Barry continues,
‘Now I’ll make it £100 if you do that naked.’ A little
sheepishly, she strips off her undies and repeats the
dance. ‘Now,’ says an excited Barry, ‘I’ll make it £200
if you let me give you one.’ Feeling ashamed but desperate
for the money, she again agrees. When Barry finishes,
he thanks her, pays her the money and leaves. Thirty
minutes later, Joe returns from work to find his wife
watching the telly. ‘All right, love? Did Barry tell
you I’d be late?’ Still embarrassed, she nods. ‘Oh,
and love,’ Joe goes on, ‘did he give you my wages?’
The
Test
Three
men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live
if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was
to go
to
the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So
all
three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The
first one came back and said to the king, "I brought
ten
apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have
to
shove
the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face
or you'll be eaten."
The
first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out
in
pain, so he was killed.
The
second one arrived and showed the king ten berries.
When the
king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this
should
be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth
berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The
first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first
one
asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second
one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming
with pineapples."
Rooster
A
farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop.
The
new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The
old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't
you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The
young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and
I am taking over."
The
old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will
race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the
exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The
young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance
old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head
start."
The
old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later
the young rooster takes off running after him. They
round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young
rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches
behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The
farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the
front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He
grabs his shotgun and - BOOM! - He blows the young rooster
to bits.
The
farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third
gay rooster I bought this month."
Old
Lady at the Doctor's
This
93 yr old virgin goes to see a doctor because she's
having some problems. She says to the doctor - I've
got this terrible itch down there, can you help me?
The doctor says - I'll take some tests and we'll see
what is going on. The doctor get the results back and
tells her she's got crabs. She's furios - she's never
been with a man in her life. She decides to go get second
opinion.
Woman
sees doctor #2. "I've got this itch, can you help me?"
Doctor takes some tests, and informs her that she has
crabs. "Seriously! I've never been with a min in my
whole entire life!! I'm going to go see another doctor!"
Woman
sees doctor #3 and explains that the first 2 doctors
said she's got crabs, but she can't believe that because
she's still a virgin. The doctor reassures her that
he will get to the bottom of the issue, and takes a
whole bunch of tests. The doctor gets the results back
and calls her on the phone with the news.
"Ma'am,
Ive got good news and bad news. The good news is that
you certainly do not have crabs! The bad news is that
your cherry is rotten, and you've got fruit flies!"
Blind
Wood Sniffer
A
blind man applies for a job at a saw mill.
The
owner interviewing him asks him what kind of a job he
is interested in. The blind man says "Inspecting wood."
The
owner laughs and says "But you're blind!"
The
blind man replies, "Test me! I can sniff any wood and
tell you what it is."
The
owner agrees, and gives him a piece of wood to smell,
"Tell me what kind of wood this is."
The
blind man plainly replies "It's pine."
The
owner looking surprised grabs another piece and sticks
it under the blind mans nose. The blind man says it
is mohagany.
The
owner thinks for a bit, then says, "I have one more
piece for you to smell."
He
gets his secretary to sit spread-eagle on his desk and
he asks the blind man what kind it is, pushing his head
toward the secretary's crotch.
The
blind man replies, "Wwwhheeeeewwwwww wwwwweeeeeee!
Thats
the shit-house door off of a tuna trolley!"
Q+A
Q:
What's the difference between onions and prostitutes?
A:
I cry when I cut up onions...
KKK
As
the congregation settled into the pews, the preacher
rose to the lectern with a red face. ‘Someone in this
congregation,’ he began gravely, ‘has spread a rumour
that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.’ As whispering spread
around the hall, the padre continued. ‘This is a horrible
lie – one I am embarrassed about and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I ask the party who did this
to stand and ask forgiveness from God.’ No one moved,
and the preacher continued. ‘Do you not have the nerve
to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel
glory.’ Again all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead
gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was
bowed and voice quivered as she spoke. ‘Reverend, there
has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Klan.’ ‘Oh?’ said the Father, ‘So
what did you say?’ The blonde chewed her lip sadly.
‘I simply mentioned to a couple of friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets.’
How
Tough Are You
Three
rats are relaxing in a bar. After a few jugs they start
talking about how tough they are. The first rat says,
‘When I woke up there was a matchbox of Rat-o-kill outside
my hole. I ate the whole lot and didn't feel a thing.’
After a significant pause and a few more glasses, the
second rat chips in, ‘When I got up this morning, there
was an enormous rat trap with a huge piece of prime
cheese for bait. I stepped up, caught the bar on my
back, ate the cheese and slipped out without even a
bruise.’ At this, the third rat gets up and heads for
the door. ‘Where are you going?’ ask the two other rats.
‘Aw, I'm bored here. Think I'll go home and shag the
cat again.’
Cowboys
Three
cowboys were sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome
trail, each with a tale of bravado for which cowboys
are famous. ‘I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is,’ the first cowboy said with a drawl. ‘Why,
just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and
gored six grown men before I wrestled it to the ground,
by the horns, with my bare hands.’ The second cowboy
couldn’t stand to be bested. ‘Why, that’s nothing,’
he said. ‘I was walking down the trail yesterday when
a 15 feet rattler made a move for me. I grabbed it with
my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked down all
of its poison. And I’m still here to tell the tale.’
All this time, the third cowboy remained silent, and
the first two turned to look at him as he slowly stoked
the red-hot coals with his penis.
Bandits
Two
young travellers are braving their way across Mexico
behind the wheel of an old van, when they come across
a group of bandits standing behind a roadblock. The
head honcho walks around to the door, sticks a gun into
their faces and says, ‘Start masturbating, gringos!’
Shocked, but fearing for their lives, the pair duly
oblige – and, despite the stress, manage to perform.
As soon as they finish, the bandit chief leans in and
demands: ‘Again!’ They manage a repeat performance,
but are then told to continue until, tired and sore,
the pair are physically incapable of another erection.
‘Good work,’ smiles the toothless Mexican as a dark
figure emerges from the trees. ‘Now drive my sister
to the nearest town.’
Gremlin
A
man is sitting in the pub having a quiet pint when a
gremlin comes in and asks for a half. He downs his drink
quickly, then runs along the bar, sticks his head in
the man’s pint and shakes it around. The man is bemused,
but continues to drink as the gremlin returns to his
seat. The little beastie orders a second and third half
and after each one does exactly the same thing. The
man finally loses his patience and grabs the gremlin
by the scruff of the neck. ‘If you stick your head in
my pint one more time, I’ll rip your dick off!’ shouts
the angry drinker. ‘Ain’t got one,’ says the gremlin.
The man looks confused. ‘If you haven’t got a cock,
how do you piss?’ he asks the gremlin. ‘Like this,’
says the gremlin, and sticks his head in the man’s pint,
shaking it around.’
Minimum
An
extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles
into a chiropodist's office instead. Laboriously, he
weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up,
she waves him over to the examination bed. ‘Stick it
through that curtain,’ she says. Looking forward to
something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks
it through the crack in the curtains. ‘That's not a
foot!’ screams the receptionist. ‘Christ!’ replies the
drunk. ‘I didn't know you had a minimum.’
Horses
Ass
While
driving a truckload of manure, an old farmer is stopped
by a policeman. ‘You were speeding,’ says the cop. ‘I'm
going to have to give you a ticket.’ ‘If you must,’
the farmer says, watching the cop shoo away several
flies. ‘These flies sure are terrible,’ the cop complains,
swatting irritably. ‘Yep,’ the farmer says. ‘Them are
circle flies. They call them that because they circle
a horse's tail.’ The cop looks at him angrily. ‘You
wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass now, would you?’
he barks. 'Nope, I'm not,’ replies the farmer. ‘But
you just can't fool them flies.’
Teachers
gifts
At
the end of the primary school term, a kindergarten teacher
is receiving gifts from her departing pupils. First
up is the local florist's son, whose gift is a well-wrapped
cone. ‘I bet I know what it is,’ she says, after shaking
it and inhaling deeply. ‘Have you got me flowers?’ ‘That's
right!’ cries the boy. ‘But how did you know?’ ‘Just
a wild guess,’ she said, grinning. The next pupil was
the daughter of the local sweetshop owner. Again, the
teacher held her box over her head, shook it, and heard
the soft rattle. ‘Thank you,’ she says, ‘I love chocolates!’
‘That's right! But how did you know?’ asked the girl.
‘Just a lucky guess,’ laughs the teacher. Finally, the
son of the local off-licence owner shyly approaches.
Again, the teacher holds his box above her head and
shakes it side to side – only to find it leaking. ‘Mmmm,’
she says, tasting a drop of the leakage with her finger.
‘Is it wine?’ Open-mouthed, the youngster shakes his
head – and the teacher repeats the process. ‘Oh. Is
it a nice vintage champagne, perhaps?’ she asks. Again,
the boy shakes his head excitedly. ‘OK,’ admits the
teacher, ‘I give up. What is it?’ The boy laughs in
delight. ‘A puppy!’
Arthritis
After
years of flirting, a man and woman in an old people’s
home agree to make love – and one day, when the residents
go on a day trip, they both stay behind. Impatient for
his first action in decades, the man quickly goes to
the woman's room and asks her if there’s anything she
prefers. She replies she loves it when men perform cunnilingus
on her – and grinning widely, the man goes down. After
a few seconds, however, he reappears. ‘I’m sorry,’ he
says, ‘but I’m afraid the smell is just too bad.’ ‘Hmmm,’
she replies, thinking for a moment. ‘It must be the
arthritis. He looks at her confused. ‘Surely you can’t
get arthritis down there,’ he cries, ‘And even if you
could, it wouldn't cause that smell.’ ‘No, the arthritis
is in my shoulder,’ she bleats. ‘I can't wipe my arse.’
Adam
Came First
Why
did God create Adam before Eve? To give him a chance
to speak.
Use
the Sink
A
girl takes her new boyfriend back home after the dance.
She tells him to be very, very quiet as her parents
are asleep upstairs and if they wake up, she would be
in big trouble as she’s not allowed to bring boys home.
They settle down to business on the sofa, but after
a while, he stops and says, ‘Where’s the toilet, I need
to go.’ She says, ‘It’s next to my parents’ bedroom.
You can’t go there, you might wake them up. Use the
sink in the kitchen instead.’ He goes into the kitchen
then, after a short while, he pops his head round the
door and says to his girlfriend, ‘Have you got any paper?’
Deaf
Mute
This
deaf mute strolls into a chemist’s shop to buy a packet
of condoms. Unfortunately, the mute cannot see any of
his required brand on the shelves, and the chemist,
unable to decipher sign language, fails to understand
what the man wants. Frustrated, the deaf mute decides
to take drastic action: he unzips his trousers and drops
his cock on the counter, before placing a £5 note next
to it. Nodding, the chemist unzips his own trousers,
performs the same manoeuvres as the mute, then picks
up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated,
the deaf mute begins to curse the chemist with a wild
gesturing of his arms ‘Sorry,’ the chemist says, shrugging
his shoulders. ‘But if you can’t afford to lose, you
shouldn’t gamble.’
Cojones
While
holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant
– where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large
pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the
waiter. ‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they
are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the
local bullfight. We won't have any more until after
the next fight.’ Disappointed, the man returns after
the next fight. The waiter remembers him and brings
out a plate of two steaming balls. ‘Just a minute,’
says the man. ‘These are tiny. The ones the man had
were four times as big.’ The waiter shrugs. ‘Senor –
sometimes the bull, he win.’
Auction
Waking
after a long night’s sleep, a wife begins recounting
her dream to her husband. ‘I dreamt I was at an auction
for cocks,’ she began. ‘The long ones went for a tenner,
and the meaty ones for £20.’ ‘How about the ones like
mine?’ asked her husband. ‘Oh, they gave those away,’
she replied, grinning slyly. Miffed, the husband responds:
‘Well I had a dream too – where they were auctioning
off pussies. The pretty ones cost £1,000 and the little
tight ones went for double that.’ ‘And how much for
the ones like mine?’ inquired his wife. The man grinned.
‘Oh, that's where they held the auction.’
Freedom
Two
rabbits, who have spent their whole lives in a laboratory,
are set free one night by an animal activist. They run
off into the countryside and come across a field of
carrots. Instinct takes over: they get stuck in and
start to eat all the carrots they can, until they fall
asleep. The following night, they go into a field of
cabbages. Again, they eat all they can and fall asleep.
The night after that, they find a field full of lettuce,
which, as before, they proceed to chomp through until
they fall asleep. The next night they find themselves
in a field full of lady rabbits, all of whom are willing
partners. They do what comes naturally and embark upon
an all-night shagging session. In the morning, the older
rabbit decides he wants to return to the lab. ‘What
the hell for?’ asks his pal. ‘We’ve had carrots, cabbages,
lettuce and, best of all, those ladies last night. What’s
your problem?’ ‘Life is sweet, I agree,’ says the older
chap. ‘But the thing is, I’m dying for a fag!’
Tarzan
One
day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted
to him and during her questions about his life she asked
him what he did for sex. ‘What's that?’ he asked. She
explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use
a hole in the trunk of a tree.’ ‘Tarzan, you have it
all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you
how to do it properly.’ She took off her clothes, laid
down on the ground and spread her legs wide. ‘Here,’
she said, ‘You must put it in here.’ Tarzan removed
his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty
kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually
she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that
for?’ ‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.
Badly
Deformed
A
man is waiting nervously for news of his new-born baby
when a nurse walks in. ‘It’s bad news,’ she says. ‘Your
baby is badly deformed.’ Naturally the man tells himself
that he will love the baby whatever it looks like. The
midwife then leads the man out to the incubators. Passing
a baby that is no more than a head, the midwife says
‘Brace yourself, dear – your baby is a lot worse than
this.’ Finally they arrive at the incubator and the
father stares open-mouthed at his child. For there,
sitting on the blanket, is a pair of eyeballs blinking
away. ‘I’m sorry,’ offers the midwife. The man, holding
back tears, says, ‘It’s my baby and I’ll look after
it the best I can.’ He gives the little eyes a tender
wave. ‘I wouldn’t bother doing that,’ says the midwife.
‘It’s blind.’
SAS
Test
Three
men reach the final round of tests to join the SAS,
and are called together to speak with the interviewer.
‘Do you love your wife?’ says the officer. ‘Sir, yes
I do, sir,’ say the recruits in unison. ‘And do you
love your country?’ ‘Sir, yes sir,’ say the men. ‘But
what do you love more, your wife or your country?’ The
recruits do not hesitate: ‘Sir, my country, sir.’ The
interviewer stares at them: ‘We want you to prove this.
Your wives are sitting in separate rooms nearby – take
this gun and go and kill your loved one.’ The first
man gulps and stares at the gun for a few minutes. ‘I
can't do it,’ he says, and leaves. Turning white, the
second man goes into the room, and all is silent for
about five minutes. Soon the door opens and the man,
sweaty with his tie loosened, puts down the unfired
gun and leaves. The final interviewee looks long and
hard and the revolver, then slowly paces into the adjoining
room. After a brief silence, the interviewer hears the
sound of a gunshot. There’s a brief pause, then an almighty
crashing sound and a woman’s scream. Grinning and breathless,
the final recruit emerges from the room and puts the
gun on the table. The interviewer looks up at him and
says ‘What the hell happened?’ ‘The gun you gave me
was filled with blanks,’ says the man, breathing heavily.
‘So I had to beat her to death with the chair.’
Poor
Arthur
A
travelling salesman is touring an area in deepest rural
Wales, and stays the night at a farmhouse. After a fine
meal with the farmer, the salesman turns to his kind
host and asks if there’s any possibility of renting
some ‘companionship’ for the evening. ‘Well,’ mulls
the farmer. ‘I’m afraid there’s not many women around
here like that. But there’s always Arthur …’ ‘Oh?’ says
the salesman, intrigued. ‘How much does he charge?’
‘It’ll cost you £10,’ comes the reply. The salesman
thinks about this. ‘Seems a bit expensive,’ he says.
‘Well,’ says the farmer, ‘The local magistrate takes
out £4 because he doesn’t approve of that sort of thing.’
‘So that’s £4 for him and £6 for Arthur,’ says the salesman.
The farmer shakes his head. ‘No, the local constable
also takes £4 because he doesn’t approve of that sort
of thing.’ ‘Christ,’ says the salesman. ‘So the magistrate
gets £4, the bobby £4 – that only leaves £2 for Arthur.’
‘No – we have to pay Gareth and Dai to hold him down,’
says the farmer. ‘You see, Arthur doesn’t approve of
that sort of thing either.’
Pussy
Licking Frog
A
man surveys the women in a nightclub, picks out the
most attractive, and takes a seat next to her at the
bar. He uses all his best lines, but gets nowhere. Finally,
he reaches into his pocket, takes out a small box, and
pulls a frog out of it.
"Cute,"
says the woman. "Is that a pet?" The man smiled. "Yes,
and he's good at doing tricks too." "Like what?" "He
eats pussy. Come back to my place and I'll prove it
to you." Once in the bedroom, the girl strips off and
puts the frog between her legs. The frog doesn't move.
After a couple of minutes, the woman looks at the immobile
frog, and finally demands, "Well?"
The
man shakes his head sorrowfully, picks up the frog and
says, "Okay, you idiot, I'm only going to show you one
more time."
Brothel
An
elderly man walks into a brothel and tells the madam
he would like a really young girl for the night. The
old steamer gives him a puzzled look and asks the fellow
how old he is. "Why," the man says, "I'm 98 years old."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't you realise
you've had it?" "Oh," he says, "how much do I owe you,
then?"
Eskimo
An
Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks
down and he is forced to call out the Alaskan AA. The
Eskimo stands in the howling wind and waits for the
mechanic to arrive. When the mechanic reaches the broken
car, he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until
he appears to have located the problem. He looks up
at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate."
To which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No, I haven't.
That's just frost on my moustache."
Don’t
be so ungrateful
A
middle-aged woman reads a magazine article which claims
that, as women get older, their fannies grow. Concerned
about this (and her husband’s reaction), she decides
to carry out her own test. She places a mirror on the
bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart. While
looking down, her husband happens to walk past. ‘Watch
out!’ he cries and jumps at her, pushing her over. ‘What
are you doing?’ the woman shouts. ‘You could have broken
my arm!’ ‘Don’t be so ungrateful,’ her husband replies.
‘If you’d fallen down there, you could have broken your
neck.’
Milkman
A
milkman is making his deliveries and finds a note attached
to a customer’s door saying, ‘I need 45 gallons of milk.’
He knocks at the door and a beautiful, dumb blonde answers
it. ‘Is this a mistake?’ the milkman asks. ‘No,’ she
says. ‘I was watching a talk-show and it said bathing
in milk is a good aphrodisiac.’ ‘Really?’ replies the
milkman. ‘Do you want that pasteurized?’ ‘No, up to
my tits will be fine,’ she says.
Cant
feel my legs
A
man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident
and cries, ‘Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs.’ The
doctor comes over to the poor chap’s bedside and says,
‘Of course you can’t. I’ve amputated both your arms.’
Splitting
Headaches
Cursed
with splitting headaches for years, Trevor goes to a
headache specialist. “The trouble is,” Trevor tells
the specialist, “I get this blinding pain, like a knife
across my scalp and...” He’s interrupted by the doctor:
“And a heavy throbbing, behind the left ear?” “Yes!
Exactly! How did you know?” “Well, I suffered from that
same type of headache for years. It’s caused by tension
in the scalp. This is how I cured it: every day I gave
my wife oral sex.” “Is that all it took?” says Trevor,
intrigued. “Oh no,” says the doctor. “When she came
she’d squeeze her legs together and the pressure would
relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for
a fortnight, come back and let me know how it goes.”
Two weeks later Trevor returns, grinning. “Doc, I’m
a new man! I haven’t had a headache since I started
this treatment! I can’t thank you enough.” “That’s fine,”
says the doctor. “I was glad to pass on a personal cure.”
“By the way,” says Trevor, standing up to leave. “You
have a lovely home.”
Thor
Thor,
the Viking God of Thunder, and Odin, the King Of The
Gods, are enjoying a flagon of mead in Valhalla, the
Norse heaven. Suddenly, Thor turns to Odin. ‘You know,
my Lord,’ he says, thoughtfully thumbing his mystical
hammer. ‘Being a god is brilliant, but it’s been millennia
since I had any sex.’ Odin nodded and pondered for a
while. Raising his mighty head, he took pity on his
subordinate. ‘Go to Earth, Thor,’ he replied. ‘Find
thyself there what they call a “lady of the night”.
Treat her to your manly pleasures.’ Bowing gracefully,
Thor retired and followed Odin’s advice, before returning
the next night. ‘My Lord,’ he said, grinning from ear
to ear, ‘You were right – it was wonderful. We had passionate
sex 37 times!’ ‘Thirty-seven times?’ exclaimed Odin.
‘That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment.
You must go and apologize this instant!’ Humbled, Thor
went back down to earth and found the prostitute. ‘I'm
sorry about last night,’ he apologized. ‘But you see,
I'm Thor.’ ‘You're Thor?’ shouted the girl, ‘What about
me? I can't even pith.’
Viagra
A
elderly gentleman shuffles into a drug store and asks
for Viagra. ‘That's no problem,’ says the pharmacist.
‘How many do you want?’ ‘Just a few, maybe four,’ says
the pensioner. ‘But could you cut them into four pieces?’
‘That won't do you much good,’ replies the pharmacist.
The customer looks at him and sighs. ‘I’m 83 years old
– I'm not interested in sex anymore,’ he says. ‘I just
want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my
shoes.’
Memory
Clinic
Two
elderly couples are enjoying a friendly conversation
when one of the men turns to the other. “Arthur, I’ve
been meaning to ask you,” says the pensioner. “How’s
your course at the memory clinic going?” “Outstanding,”
replies Arthur. “They teach us all the latest psychological
techniques: visualisation, association and so on. It’s
made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great,” says
his mate. “What was the name of the clinic again?” Arthur
goes blank, then wrinkles his brow. “Wait there, I can
do this.” He closes his eyes, frowns deeply and his
lips move as he thinks to himself. “What do you call
that flower with the red petals and thorns?” he says,
finally. “You mean a rose,” says his friend. “Yes, that’s
it!” say Arthur, and turns to his wife, asking, “Rose,
what was the name of that clinic again?”
Changing
sides
After
a heavy night in his local pub, a worse-for-wear lout
rises to his feet, determined to start up a fight. ‘Right,’
he hollers, ‘everybody on the left side of the pub is
a bastard!’ The drinkers look across at him briefly,
then resume their drinking. ‘No takers, eh?’ shouts
the piss-head. ‘Right then – everyone on the right side
is a poofter!’ Suddenly, an old man on the left-hand
side of the pub stands up. ‘You want some, then?’ screams
the lout. ‘Not really,’ replies the man, sheepishly.
‘It’s just that I appear to be sitting on the wrong
side of the pub.’
Promising
Student
A
senior lecturer at a London medical college is rather
surprised one afternoon when one of his most promising
students breaks through the door in a clear state of
distress. Sitting the lad down, the kindly old-timer
waits for him to compose himself before asking, ‘What
on earth is the matter?’ ‘I can’t take it anymore, doc,’
wails the distressed student. ‘I need to find somewhere
else to live!’ ‘But our student digs are the best in
the land,’ protests the lecturer. ‘No, doctor – it’s
this new policy of mixed living quarters. Every night
when I’m trying to study, I have to push away beautiful
young nurses, who have come in drunk from a night on
the town and are hungry for sex.’ ‘I see,’ says the
quack. ‘So how do you think I can help?’ ‘Oh doc,’ says
the desperate young man, quietly. ‘You’re going to have
to break my arms.’
Drunk
and Lost
While
walking his beat, a policeman is bemused to find a young
man, clearly drunk, staggering about with a key in his
hand. ‘They’ve stolen my car,’ the drunk shouts. ‘It
was right here earlier on the end of this key.’ ‘More
importantly, sir,’ says the policeman. ‘Do you know
your penis is hanging out?’ ‘Oh my God,’ wails the drunk.
‘They’ve got my girlfriend as well.’
18
hours to live
A
woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband
she has only 18 hours to live. ‘That's terrible!’ cries
her husband, ‘What would you like to do during your
last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible
for you.’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘First, I want to take a
long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favourite
restaurant. But ultimately, I want to go to bed with
you and make passionate love all night long.’ ‘Gee,
honey,’ says her husband, shaking his head ‘I don't
know about that “all night long” stuff. After all, I've
got to get up in the morning.’
Bucket
of Snails
One
evening a husband and wife are sitting at home, waiting
for dinner guests to arrive. After putting the casserole
in the oven the wife turns and screams, ‘I’ve forgotten
the nibbles! We can’t have a party without nibbles!
Go down into the garden and fetch some snails. I’ll
boil them up and serve them with a little garlic butter
and lemon.’ The husband sets off to the end of the garden
with a bucket and starts hunting for the snails. No
sooner has he started when a beautiful woman leans over
the fence and casually asks him if he wants to pop over
to her place for a quick drink. The husband thinks that
a quick snifter before dinner can’t hurt, so he climbs
over the fence and goes in. After downing a martini,
the woman grabs the man and begins kissing him. One
thing leads to another and soon the pair are hard at
it in bed. So hard, in fact, that the husband falls
asleep for a couple of hours. Waking up in a panic,
he grabs all his clothes and his bucket of snails, jumps
back over the fence and hurtles into his own kitchen
where his wife has nodded off. He trips up as he enters
through the door and spills his bucket of snails over
the lino and wakes her. ‘Where the hell have you been?’
she screams. The husband looks up at his livid wife,
looks down at the scattered snails on the floor and
shouts,‘Come on lads, we’re nearly there!’
3
Criminals in hell
Three
criminals are in hell waiting to be punished for their
sins, and the Devil says, ‘Before I plunge you into
the fiery abyss, you can have one cool beer as a last
privilege.’ The first criminal in the line-up is Jeffrey
Dahmer. ‘What drink do you want?’ asks Satan. ‘I would
love a Budweiser,’ replies Dahmer, and sure enough he’s
given a can of it before being tossed into agony. The
Devil repeats his question to the second criminal. ‘I
would like some Foster’s,’ says Ronnie Kray, and he
gets some of the amber nectar before his punishment.
Finally, the Devil asks the third man, Fred West, what
beer he’d like before being burnt for eternity. ‘Oh,
that’s easy,’ says Fred. ‘I could murder some Tennent’s.
Rubber
Factory
Joe
was visiting a friend's rubber factory one day. They
entered the first room, to the loud sound of ‘Bang!
Hish! Bang! Hish!’ ‘What are you making here?’ asked
Joe. ‘Teats for a baby's bottle,’ replied the owner.
‘The bang makes the teat and the hish puts the hole
in the end.’ The next room, however, was filled with
different sounds: ‘Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Hish! Bang!
Bang!’ ‘This is where we make condo
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